2010:A winter night’s tale
Posted under: 2010 is tomorrow. One year ago, exactly one year ago, I decided to see what that “twitter thing” was all about and some tweets later I actually knew that I wasn’t going to leave the bloody thing so soon. That was my 2009 new years’ resolution: Deep, right? (Funny how we need Facebook and electronic agendas to remind us of the birthday of our friends and family but we keep other dates carved into our brain, a permanent tattoo in our conscious mind)
Recently I was given the advice to write, to go ahead and write away like there was no tomorrow. The truth is that that tomorrow turned into the next today and the next tomorrow turned into the next today like a mathematical sequence that never fails you.
Tomorrow is today is tomorrow is today. 2010 is today is tomorrow.
Every time that the calendar tells us that a new year is ending and a new year is beginning, as sure as the sun always shines even if we don’t see it, there is this feeling in the air that next year is going to be THE year, the year that everything will change… and usually it doesn’t. I’m one of those pragmatic people that think we need to work our future on a daily basis, without committing to long term plans that usually get in our way.
But this year I’m going to give it a try. Yes, I’m going to try and be one of those people that will make some resolutions, make a check list, a detailed plan and personal implementation’s costs and make it stick:
Let’s start!
I will stop using WordPress that allows me to publish this post to the world while being somewhere else, totally disconnected from the wired world. This sounds like one of those resolutions that make sense. New Year’s resolutions are all about being disruptive and this is one is disruptive enough. I will start using some unknown system, that will make me look really cool among a niche group of 4 people, and will spend most of the time programming how to upload a post instead of focusing on writing any content at all. But I will not stop here, oh no, this feels great all of this disruptive stuff. I will start using those great tools that allow me to get 424242 followers every second and will start concentrating on getting the largest amount of followers, mentions on lists and whatever they come up with next (I will even pay for followers, oh yes I will). By December 2010 I will have 8 million followers, will talk to none of them and this je ne sais quoi will make me look oh-so-cool that some Hollywood producer will want to make a 3D movie just about me, a blue planet and some precious metal. If this doesn’t work I will tell my doctor to kill me so I can become a trending topic on Twitter for 6 days in a row. Woot! Woot!
Oh man, I’m getting on cruise speed now, this will be a great year and I’m just getting started. What’s next? I will stop making music: Enough of that experimental stuff that no one listens to. I will cut down all of those creative urges that make me spend 12h straight trying to find that specific sound texture, that curve that makes a kick drum sound like its coming from the stomach of an ogre. Geez this is liberating!!! No more music! Yeah! More, more, more, I need more. This New Year’s resolution stuff is like a drug, I can’t get enough of it. (Might be a good idea to stop doing drugs as well but maybe that can wait till 2012). I will insist that everyone calls me a guru, an expert or, better still, a gurexpert™. I will trademark and copyright everything I’ll produce. I will stop supporting creative commons music… better still: I will stop supporting any form of free culture. I will stop denouncing those that plagiarize content, will only review movies that I’ve never seen, books that I’ve never read, applications that I’ve never used. I will stop having strong opinions about fracturing issues, I will start being diplomatic and will stop helping those that need help. I will forget (h)activism all together and become a corporate mogul. The whole universe will be my oyster that I will eat for breakfast, lunch and supper. I will enjoy it! Yes, I will ENJOY it!
I will start my own self-help program that will help people become a little more like me for only €2500 a month. I will use Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn to sell it. This only will get me a Nobel Peace prize. While in Sweden I will take the opportunity to buy the whole country and put an end to that Pirate Party that only gives a bad name to the real politik.
I will only buy and use products that involve some kind of third world exploitation to be produced, will deem any human rights and freedom of speech issues as “their problem” and will call any kind of art form a waste of time (unless its mine and/or has a high market value).
I will support any government that decides that education and health are not a common problem but only the problem of those that can’t afford it (And that really makes it “their problem” doesn’t it?)
I will start an online petition to have a Margaret Tatcher’s statue in every single round about in the UK, I will stop defending the Welsh culture and I will cut all connections with the country side: I will be the archetype of urban living and everyone will aim to be like me. I will be 2010’s role model, TIME’s man of the year, I will win every Mashable award there is to win (I’ve been told that next year there will be 4500 categories so that all info-advertisers can win at least one award), I will make a plastic surgery to look like a mix between Tony Blair and George Clooney with David Bowie’s eyes and the will then take to court Tony Blair, George Clooney and David Bowie for looking like me. X-Factor and Britain’s got talent will be my favourite TV shows (enough of those pseudo-intellectual TV series like Larry David’s “Curb your enthusiasm”). I will make sure to have a TV set in every single room I’m in with access to 4200 TV channels, including TV Shop Dubai, TV Shop North Korea and Rupert Murdoch’s hidden office camera. I will never meet personally with anyone unless they have more than 40000 fans on Facebook AND above 2 million followers on Twitter. Wikipedia will be my only source of knowledge and I will make sure that the facts about anything important regarding human civilization are written on Wikipedia in the way I see it. After all, human kind needs guidance and that whole God thing had 2010 years to make it right, with the results we can see for ourselves. I will start my own religion! How could I forget it? Yes, I will start my own religion loosely based on all religions that exist: I will call it Patch and I will be the only one that can listen to what Patch says.
In July I will take some holidays: I’m guessing after all this work I will be in need of some rest by then.
After those much deserved holidays I will start preparing what will become my favourite event of the year: Halloween! I will embrace Halloween and I’m going to enjoy it. Actually I’m going to enjoy lots of things in 2010. 2010 is going to be a GREAT year according to my own resolutions. Christmas will follow in this hectic schedule and I will make sure to offer those that are most dear to me some socks, ties and mugs (the mugs will come with a picture of me).
By December 31st I will have accomplished all of this and Bill Gates will be giving me the keys to his house to have some face to face time with Steve Jobs. I will refuse. I will be too busy writing my 2011’s New Year’s resolutions, planning it to the detail so that everything goes as I want (and as Patch wishes)… … … … … … … … Something about Google Wave… …. … … wind…. rain…. thunder…
I wake up. My head hurts from this nightmare. Outside the wind plays a melody that resembles, pretty much, something that I’ve been playing around in my mind to compose and the raindrops, big enough to drown any super-hero ant play a tribal rhythm of such complexity that I stay, for some minutes, listening to it and trying to capture the way it makes me feel so I can keep it in my memory forever.
Outside the wind plays for me. A two and a half months old German shepherd dreams of ping pong balls, red baby jackets and of that bigger version of it that comes to visit and play every day.
I step outside with my first morning coffee, I look at the dark sky, the speeding clouds above that bring the rain down on the soil that can’t absorb the water any longer much like a old shower sponge. I take a deep breath, the cold air filling up my lungs and a ray of sunshine threatens to pierce the clouds… but it doesn’t.
I take a yellow post-it note, a pen and I write:
“2010: I will just be myself.”
LOL Fortunately it was a nightmare.
I hope you’ll be yourself in 2010.
Greetings.
2010:A winter night's tale – http://cli.gs/QTHRe (via @fjfonseca)
being yourself sounds much better.
)) anyway in case you keep to the socks plan, I want mine purple thanks. 
Shudder! Thank goodness it was probably only a “an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato.” Happy New Year!
Love it. Had me laughing by the third line. Love. It.
Being yourself is infinitely better, FF. We love you just the way you are.
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Oh thank goodness you woke up! Thank you for a fun New Year read. I raise my glass to your “real” resolution. Here’s to yourself-ness!
Fantastic work. I nearly believed you before I realised I had wet myself laughing. Inspired.
Bravo very well done sounds like a great resolution